Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

For real, if you haven’t been over to the O Momma Writes page on Facebook, you might want to. Things have been happening in baby news and it is a lot easier to update over there when I can get a chance than a blog post.

But, I will write the longer version now while I’m sitting here…waiting…and wishing…

I went into labor around noon Friday (ON my due date!) and they gradually got stronger/closer through the day. Mark and I went to the mall to walk, they picked up in intensity as soon as I got there. Within an hour I went from “Oh! A contraction! Yay!” to having to stop and breathe through them.  Around 7pm I was ready to get to the birthing center, I wanted to get in the water because they were coming strong and very close to each other. The car ride was miserable…each contraction was on top of each other, the baby felt like he was going to fall out, and it felt like he was going to be born in the car! Mark was going 90 miles an hour on the highway to make sure we could get there in time. We were sure this birth would go quickly, especially since I was already 4cm dilated for the past week. I had my parents and photographer head on their way, I knew this was it. It felt totally different than all the prelabor contractions I had in the past weeks, but it was still totally manageable with lots of breathing and relaxing. I was feeling confident and at peace, excited that this was IT!  I labored in the tub off and on, walked around, and rested on the bed until about 2am and decided to get some sleep while they weren’t too bad.  At that point I had progressed from 4cm to 6cm.  By 5am they had slowed down and weren’t intense…pretty much gone. We tried herbs and walking, no luck. By 7am we decided it was a good idea to go home, get a shower, some breakfast, and try some things at home while we waited for them to pick back up.

They never did. At least nothing that has lasted. I had some after waking up from a nap around noon on Saturday. They stayed random and stopped eventually even with walking. I tried all the home remedies that people suggest, nothing worked. I then went walking again last night and they quickly picked up to 3-4 minutes again….until I got in the car to go home. So here I am today, having been home from the birthing center now for over 24 hours, sitting at 6cm, and nothing going on.

The frustrating part about doing this laboring/birthing naturally is that I (we…) have to trust my body and baby to know what it’s doing.  I am beyond frustrated, sad, angry that I was thisclose to having this baby and for some reason it has stopped. We think that either Jaxson just isn’t ready yet, or his change in positions has caused my labor to stall.  I read this article last night and it made me feel slightly better that it’s normal that some woman experience a “plateau.” My midwife assured me that everything is fine, the baby is healthy (he’s moving a lot and heartbeat has always been wonderful when checked) and since my water isn’t broken I should just rest while I can and wait for things to pick up again.  And while this is a horribly frustrating thing to experience…this starting and stopping…I am thankful that I’m not in a hospital where they would have pumped me up with pitocin or made me have a c-section by now for “failure to progress.” Sure, it’d be nice to be holding a baby right now but I’d rather not get to that point with medicine or surgery. I’m thankful my care is in the hands of some one has experience in this, has seen it before, and is letting my body take charge rather than interventions. Jaxson nor I are not at risk for anything at this point, so I wait (and wish, hope, pray).

I never, ever thought I’d be in this situation, having had 2 other kids and was already 4cm when I went into active labor. This isn’t just a physical adventure for me, it’s been a mental and spiritual one as well. Mentally, I’ve prepared for labor and delivery for months (I love hypnobirthing!), I am SO ready for this and ready to take it on and it’s hard to go from being ready to give birth Friday night and then coming home empty handed. Spiritually, especially at this point, I literally have no where to turn but God right now.  Sure I have support from friends, family, and my midwife but they can’t take this burden of frustration and worries from my shoulders. And all the natural interventions in the world can’t make my body go into labor again unless it’s ready. Literally, all I can do it pray and wait. I’m having to trust God and His timing, even though I REALLY don’t understand it.  In my mind going into labor on Friday was perfect since my family are all out of town and they would have the time off school/work to visit with us. They all made it here this weekend…but no baby has arrived. I just don’t get it.  But, I know God does and I know He has a plan in all this. While I’ve sat here crying last night and this morning, all I can do is surrender what I think is the ideal time and birth experience and hand it to God. It’s really hard to do and I’m having to surrender constantly, but it’s nice to feel a smidgen of peace each time I do.

If you are the praying type (or at least think positive thoughts), please send prayers this way.  For patience, wisdom, and peace. For a safe delivery and a healthy baby boy. That my family will be able to be here when he’s born or at least very soon after. This is a really tough place to be right now and even with my own praying it’s hard to not worry about all the unknowns.

I know (somewhere, deep down) I won’t be pregnant forever…so I’ll keep sitting (er…maybe walking!), waiting, and wishing that this little trickster be in my arms very soon. I can’t wait to see his little toes.

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