Since the holiday busy season has been over, I’ve been in the full swing momma-nesting mode. The energy I have felt the last weeks has been unreal. I’ve never felt like this withmy other pregnancies at the end, usually I feel more tired and achy. It is a welcome difference to my other pregnancies. I kind of wonder if it is the change in supplements I have been taking the last few weeks and being more consistent with it (doTERRA’s Life Long Vitality pack, extra iron, alfalfa, etc.). I feel great as long as I get sleep and don’t have insomnia or contractions keeping me awake, or don’t over do it too much and feel achy.
I have always been past my due date so I shouldn’t feel rushed, but this time have felt the need to have everything done, just in case. My house is clean top to bottom, between my nesting and a deep cleaning service. Tiny baby clothes washed and put away. All my children’s clothes are organized. I have all my birth supplies. My labor music is ready to go. My labor and post-baby oils, homeopathics, and herbs are ready to go (I plan a separate post on that soon!). My birth pool is waiting to be blown up and filled. Newborn cloth diapers prepped. Cameras are charged. Birth affirmations and scriptures are printed. Phone numbers of people I need to notify when labor starts are ready.
I’m just ready.
Honestly, feeling this “ready” in every way, even emotionally, feels new. I feel accepting. This is a new kind of peace I don’t remember feeling with my others. I remember feeling ready physically to have my body back and not lug around the weight of my extra-large belly, but emotionally I remember feeling very in between and not at peace. On one hand, I couldn’t wait to meet my new baby and experience birth again. On the other, I had a hard time letting go of pregnancy and the last moments of feeling my child move within me. I do still feel that to a degree, but I also have this peace. A peace that God is doing and will do great things, so not to fear or try to hold onto something that isn’t mine to hold onto forever. I truly hope that peace will help my labor come on it’s own this time, and sooner than 41+ weeks as my other natural births have been.
I also find this peace interesting because, honestly, at the beginning of this pregnancy I was terrified. This pregnancy was expected, we felt God calling us to have a fourth child, but it happened sooner than I thought and with my battle of depression it was hard to grasp at first of why God would allow another. But oh, what healing has come since then! This pregnancy has turned into such joy and we are all so excited to meet Sadie soon. The joy that has been exuberant within our home lately in anticipation has been wonderful. Ashlyn has gotten out of her toddler-terror phase (for the most part) and my hormones feel more stable, which certainly helps. But, Mark and I are often finding ourselves smiling at each other and saying, “I love our kids” or talking about how soon Sadie will be out to enjoy snuggling with us each night. It is a reminder, a glimpse, of why God has entrusted us with these children in moments like those. For now, we are in a peaceful bubble in the calm before the storm. I love these special moments in time, though I know it won’t last forever. Parenthood is not always easy, in fact, this past year has been a huge trial in my motherhood and feeling unworthy of my children. But, having come out of that place gives a whole new perspective. I am looking to 2015 with expecting more joy, more grace, and more growth within myself and our family.
As I’m preparing my home to welcome another addition, I’m preparing my heart too.
I’m ready, Lord.