Peace When I Don’t Feel Pregnant

9 and half week bump edit

  “From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch anyone out of my hand. No one can undo what I have done.” Isaiah 43:13

This pregnancy has been so drastically different than my past 4 (including our miscarriage).  Usually I feel pretty normal, except for exhaustion and super sensitive smells, up until 6 weeks. Then the nausea fun starts! With my girls, while I still had gagging fits when I needed to eat, I could manage it well with food. I carried cheerios with me everywhere.  With Jaxson, it came full force and came constantly with little relief.  I would sit in restaurants and cry because I couldn’t enjoy my steak, or couldn’t get off the couch to tuck Savannah into bed. I still am so grateful that I don’t throw up with my pregnancies as many moms do (knock on wood!), I know it could be so much worse!

This time though? I was nauseous in the beginning weeks, it got to it’s worst at 6 weeks to where I had to delay grocery shopping for days. The thought of walking through all the isles of icky food and smells was repulsive.  But just as quickly as it got worse….it started going the opposite direction and dissipate.  Symptoms going away can be a sign that the baby has passed and the hormones are going down. Obviously, this was worrisome to me having had a missed-miscarriage 3 years earlier. One day I sobbed for hours thinking that this baby is gone because it just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like all my others, even my miscarriage had more symptoms than this! I felt like I had been an awful mom to kids lately with being exhausted and hormonal…I’ve guiltily yelled a lot and turned to too much TV and movies to cope. Why would God give me another one? I sure don’t deserve it and am overwhelmed with 2 as it is, why would He would take this one away? (Lies…I know…)

That same night I had a dream that my midwife let me borrow her doppler to try to find the heartbeat myself. It turned into an ultrasound and at 10 weeks I saw a picture of my little gummy bear baby movie its tiny arms and legs on the screen and I said, “My baby IS alive!” It then flashed to 18 weeks and I knew it was a boy.  I truly believe this was a gift from God, to bring me peace that this baby is alive and to just trust Him!  I’ve had peace since then, especially since that’s how my dreams were with all my healthy kids (ultrasounds revealing the gender, its always been right in the past so we shall see!). My miscarriage dreams were always about an early birth but they were always fine…fittingly.

At 9 weeks, I didn’t borrow my midwife’s doppler but my best friend happened to have one that she was sweet enough to let me borrow. I really wanted to avoid an early ultrasound so I was determined to find a heartbeat if our baby was alive.  At 9 weeks and 3 days we finally heard it loud and clear, galloping beautifully in the high 160’s and 170’s. And what popped out of my mouth? “My baby IS alive!” We’ve heard it 2 times since then, all in the 160’s.

Most days I don’t feel pregnant except this nagging exhaustion that doesn’t go away no matter how long I nap for or how early I go to bed!  And maybe, the super sensitive nose that hates the smell of our air conditioning and these crazy hormones that take my emotions all over the chart (sorry to my family!) are pretty obvious, too. My nausea is very rare, with only a few episodes of gagging spells a handful times a week. Just enough to remind me that I am indeed pregnant.  While it is reassuring when I have nausea, it does feel bad. I’m sorry my fellow pregnant mommies if you are feeling that way all the time! I’m reminding myself to be grateful at the change of symptoms this go-round now that I know things are looking healthy in there.

Today was our first midwife appointment at 10 weeks. Everything looked great and baby sounded great. I left there feeling high on life that this baby #3 is alive and happening. We’ve made it to double digits! I’ve seriously caught myself close to crying today at the thought that this baby is alive and joining us in the new year. What a great gift!  Even when life with 2 feels chaotic and overwhelming, when I feel like the worst Mom on the planet, I’m grateful for this gift. I’m grateful that God must see something in me that I don’t always see: A good mom.

Of course, I don’t know what God’s plan is for the baby. I know life is precious and fragile no matter if a child is 10 weeks gestation or 10 years old. I’m constantly reminding myself to trust Him and seek Him for peace instead of feeding into those lies and fears. And absolutely, soaking in these moments of feeling blessed and secure in His arms!  I’m hoping this baby’s pregnancy symptoms are just a reflection of this baby’s personality…easy going.

Now tell me, were your pregnancies drastically different?!

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