I don’t know why you two have been on my mind so much lately. Usually I feel so at peace with your short time with me, merely weeks within my womb, knowing what I know now and that it was best for us at that time. Over four and half years since your time with me here, and two other babies have since occupied the same womb. I’m sure you know that. I’m sure you watch us from above and know our lives. Your siblings that still ask about you. How we like to read books, how your brother peed on the couch today, how I folded laundry and did dishes all day but you can’t tell, how your little sister likes to sit in boxes and pans, and how there are coloring marks all over our table.
But lately, I’m feeling your absence. Perhaps because I feel like I forget about you sometimes and I feel guilty. Life is so busy with diaper changes, many night feedings, homework assignments, check marks on my to-do list…that I forget sometimes. I forget that I actually have 6 kids (that’s crazy!), though they aren’t all living with me. I have forgotten details of your time with me until I go back to read them. I sometimes forget how many years ago it was (you would be four now! Wow!). I’m sorry for forgetting. But then again, my momma brain is so tired and scattered these days that I sometimes forget why I even came in the room! So, I think the important part is that I don’t forget forever. Right? Right. Your memory is buried deep in my heart, always. I could never forget that. All the details, I know I cannot remember every one. But, never could I forever forget you.
It seems that the unfair and too-soon death of babies is happening too often these days. It is not just far away on the news anymore, it is my friends and family being heartbroken with these loses. I know that’s why I’ve been remembering you more these days, because as I try to sympathize with what they are going through…the closest thing I have is you. The loss I felt, despite that peace. It is a painful balance.
I miss you two. I miss knowing what you look like. Your talents, your quirks, your smiles. Are you boys or girls? Or both? I’ve always felt you were one of each. I still haven’t named you, I hope Jesus calls you something awesome up there because nothing we think of sounds right. I look forward to being reunited with you one day, to get to know you forever and ever. Heaven has gained some new babies in this past year, some very recently, and I hope you are making friends with them as I type. Love on them and send some extra love to their parents down here. I will say, I’m so glad that you escaped the pain of this earth. It kinda is depressing down here sometimes, so much evil and hate around. And like I said, unfair at times. I remember sitting in the doctors office after finding out that your heartbeats were no longer beating, your daddy said, “At least they won’t know the heartache of this world.” It was the first thing that cracked open the door of peace in my heart. Peace that you get to bypass the earthly troubles and heartaches. While I grieved for your life here, what a blessing it is for you to enjoy Heaven already!
All this to say, I miss you. One day I can’t wait to sit in a rocker beside you two in heaven hearing all about you. What you’ve done and seen and who you are.
P.S. The beautiful artwork at the top is from one of my favorite artist, Stephanie, that specializes in this area. “Gone Too Soon” is shown by Beyond Words Designs. If you know someone who has experienced the loss of a child, she is a great place to look for a meaningful gift!