First off let me say this: I had found peace with not finding out. I had. I was excited for “that moment” after birth, I think because I was so certain that I already knew if the baby was a boy or girl. But my kids were super excited going into our ultrasound at 26 weeks and wanted to know. And my husband– the one who always wants to wait– was saying HE was going to find out. So, of course, if they know then I need to know!
We watched this sweet face on screen. We watched the technician measure the little feet, arms, belly, and head, which all measured slightly bigger than my due-date and looked healthy. Our hearts melted as we watched the baby open and close its mouth and swallow fluid. Even a smile or two! Baby is using the placenta as a pillow.
Then we decided that we for sure wanted to know and my husband held my hand and rubbed my hair as we found out together….
It’s a girl.
My heart truthfully sank for a minute, because I was so sure this was our boy, the one I felt God promised us. We plan to be done. We want to be done and move into the next season of life. Unless He throws another curveball into our plans or we somehow adopt a boy (which I’ve also dreamed about repeatedly over the last few years.)…this is it. We will have 4 girls and 1 boy. My body has grown 5 girls, if you count Anna. Maybe more if we knew for sure what our twins were. This I know for sure: I’m a good girl mom. I guess God sees that and I trust He knows what is best for our family.
But my heart aches and I’ve cried a few times. Not because I don’t love this baby or that she is a girl, but because I had all these dreams and hope stored up. I had dreams of my son finally getting the brother he’s asked and prayed for for years. I dreamed of pulling out lots of blue and green clothes with little footballs and frogs on them. I had dreams of another extra-snuggly momma’s boy. I hoped for a boy that would love sports like his daddy, because so far my husband is 0-4. Mostly I grieve for my son, never having a brotherly bond like his sisters have their sisterly bond together.
And then there’s my faith.
It’s about to get real up in here.
My connection to God feels shaken. I feel lied to. I feel like I was lead to think one thing only to be played a fool. Did I not hear God right? Were my hopes so fixated on a boy that I created those dreams and God-like whispers to myself? I got rid of all our baby girl clothes because I just KNEW our next one would be a boy, and I felt God give me peace to let them go to a young mom who needed them. I was that certain. And now I’m here with no baby girl clothes and a heart that is sad. I’m not worried about the clothes– I know God will provide just as He always has– and it means I can get new clothes (or new-to-me clothes via hand-me-downs) as I was tired of seeing the same outfits over and over the last 4-10 years anyway! But I feel confused and questioning my connection to God– and not sure what to make of that.
In processing and wrestling with my emotions and questions this past week, I’m sticking to what I do know:
-God is still asking me, “Do you REALLY trust Me?” I keep trying to plan and figuring things out, so obviously I’m still learning this lesson of trust this year. I need to learn to accept gifts with an open hand and trust His view of the big picture.
-God is sovereign and can see the big picture that I cannot right now (rightly so, we are studying Ester right now which taught me so much last time with Sadie’s pregnancy and birth). I still feel like a boy is missing, and maybe that is my own fleshly desire that I need to surrender and let go, and maybe God will move on that in the future, but right now it seems unlikely or impossible.
-God knows what is best for our family. He has our best in mind, I do trust in and cling to that.
-I won’t let the enemy use my vulnerable emotions right now to lay a foothold of doubt in God. In fact, I’ll only use it draw in closer.
-The truth is, I may not understand but God is good. Therefore this plan is good.
-God is refining me to be more like Him…and that always results in good things and lessons learned, whether about myself or about God’s character.
-As I mentioned before, God must see I’m a good girl mom. Not that I’m not a good mom to my son, but maybe He knows I can’t handle another boy with a little hulk-like attitude when he’s angry or more energetic sword fights that result real battle wounds? I know He knows my strength and weaknesses as a mom and has given us another girl to be a part of His greater good– to further His kingdom. I’m meant to raise 4 girls to be women of God, maybe mothers one day raising their own little arrows for His glory. I’m meant to raise 1 son to be a man of God. It’s taken over a week to process all these thoughts and emotions, but I’ve come around to accepting that truth.
And with all that said, I’m coming around. I’m bonding more with the thought of a girl as I watch how my girls interact and how I interact with them. I can’t help but love the little person kicking me at predictable times each day, whether a boy or a girl. Mark picked out this baby’s name and did a great job!