Can We Hit Pause? Ashlyn is 1.

1st birthday collage 2

Ashlyn 1 year collage

I have put off writing this post for days. I haven’t wanted to accept that my baby girl is turning 1 in the wee hours of tomorrow morning.  I haven’t wanted to think about her not being a baby any more. My baby. I haven’t wanted to consider that soon she might be nursing less, walking and talking  just like her brother and sister.  I want her to stay the fuzzy little, cackle-laughing tiny peanut of a baby she is! While I yearn for days when all my kids can all use underwear and buckle themselves in the car…I also wish that I could hit pause and enjoy the wonderful chaos that life is right now.

But that doesn’t happen.

I know how this growing thing goes.  Very soon she will be walking and chattering. She’ll have an opinion and attitude. She’ll throw more fits. She’ll develop her personality even more and keep making us laugh. She’ll grow into bigger clothes and have her own style.  We’ll pack away her (and Anna’s and Savannah’s) baby clothes forever. Her hair will grow longer and maybe she’ll tolerate bows.  She’ll learn how to run, slide, and kick a ball. She’ll learn how to say ball. We have so much to look forward to with our little girl, praise God for that!

But tonight, I grieve how fast the year went by. It really feels like I blinked in the moment that I first held her on my chest, and here we are a year later with only a slide show of memories retained.  I’m sure the busyness of her being #3 has only made it flown by even faster.  Tonight, I’m reminded to enjoy each and every “long day” with my kids because those long days somehow ball themselves up and hurl themselves past in a fast ball pitch. In one blink. Woosh. Gone. Strange how that happens. Strange how you miss it when it’s gone. Remember that, Leah. 

Happy birthday, my littlest baby girl.  I have so enjoyed being your mommy this year, my sweet natured baby. Our millions of nursing sessions, our snuggles as we sleep, your hilarious laughter of joy, your soft fuzzy head, your big bright blue eyes, the lips that match your older sister, the way you play with your tiny feet as you nurse, how you put both hands behind your head when you’re ready for sleep…I love it all.  I want to remember it all. (And yes, the many sleep interruptions are worth it!) At 2:08am, the time you were born, we very well may be nursing and celebrating 1 year together.

I’ll see you then and hold you just as I did 1 year ago.

Ashlyn and mommy


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