Today you turn 10 years old. It is currently 8:21 pm and in my busy life of 3 kids, plus babysitting, plus growing a new little blessing, I am just now getting to sit down to write. Right now, I was pushing you into this side of earth. Pushing you from only mine, into sharing you. At 9:00 pm, you were born. It seems fitting that I’m getting to sit and ponder your birth and our years together, and apart, so far during this time frame.
I’ll be honest, this has been one of the hardest birthdays for me than others have been. The number 10 has haunted me as this day approached, how could so many years have gone by already? It is a milestone. A marker of new territory as you grow into a teenager soon. It’s a marker of what I’ve missed in your daily life, but also what I’ve been privileged to enjoy. In preparing for this big birthday, I grieved in ways I haven’t in a long time. Sometimes a birthmother just needs to do that. She needs to cry for the loss, cry for what could of been. But then, after some tears and feeling things she hasn’t felt in years…she’ll feel better. At least I did. In my ten years, though I have had moments of grief, I haven’t lost sight of the fact that our adoption was God’s will. I have peace with that, even now.
This actual birthday itself has been fine though. I spoke with you on the phone and was sent a picture to see how grown up you’ve become in the last 10 years. Getting to hear your voice always, always makes the soothes the ache of missing you. Hearing you tell me that you love me helps immensely. Thank you and I love you, too! Today actually was filled with joy for me as I remembered and celebrated all that your presence in my life has been. God has moved in so many ways simply because you exist. From friendships formed, to the talents and dreams God has planted in my heart, your presence was the beginning of those amazingly beautiful things in my life. Best of all, you are the one who brought me back to Christ. I’m so thankful!
I hope you know how blessed, loved, and special you are! One day you will use your own writing to tell your own story. I can’t wait to see how your next 10 years unfold, with us together at times, and apart. I pray that God will protect our relationship and let it bloom into whatever God intends for it to be. I pray that you will grow closer to God as you grow into a young lady. I pray you will form friendships that point each other back to Him. Most of all, I pray you that make wise choices and learn from my mistakes. Without my “mistakes” though, we wouldn’t have you. You are not a mistake, you are a gift. Praise God for His redemption and bringing so much beauty from a dark place in my life. You light up my world as well as your parents’. Thank you for your bright smile!
Happy birthday, my first born.